


Silent pain

by Darkchrisbarrieblood



Category: Chris Barrie - Fandom, Red Dwarf RPF
Genre: Gen, breakdown of relationship, mentions needles and medical operations, mentions overdosing, mentions self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-15 00:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8034955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkchrisbarrieblood/pseuds/Darkchrisbarrieblood
Summary: Chris has his op and hopes Craig comes to visit. When he doesn’t, he goes to his apartment. For several days, he tries to make himself better (but doesn’t work), doctors come visit and Aleks becomes worried. After seeing Craig’s documentary, he becomes upset and goes to Aleks’. After UKTV, Robert wonders if he’s okay. Chris tries to talk with Craig, but he doesn’t seem to notice. When things get worse and Dan sees the UKTV footage, he skypes Chris and decides to come with him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Mentions needles and operational procedures.  
> DivineVarod helped with the idea.

The ward which Chris was on was fairly quiet for the time of day. Considering most of the patients here had fairly fatal injuries, none of them were moaning very much. He sighed and looked around him, feeling nervous as the time got closer. He tried not to think of how he would look right now, in a strange gown, feeling virtually naked. The shower he had wasn’t very refreshing and the water had almost frozen him.  In his head, he planned what he hoped would be there when he woke up; Craig and Aleks being there to comfort and reassure him he was okay. Craig hadn’t really been there for him recently and didn’t seem to take any notice of his pain. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about it and calm himself. He didn’t want to panic before this and had asked not to have a pre-med.  When he reopened his eyes, a male nurse along with an anaesthetist came over to where he was. Chris had met them both before and knew why they were here. He groaned internally as his abdomen ached.  
 The doctor smiled, “Hello Chris, you know why we’re here huh?”  
Chris nodded,   
The anaesthetist knelt beside him and spoke, “Well, I will be with you throughout the whole thing.”  
Chris felt somewhat reassured at that. He always worried he would die in places like this, although, after having an operation 3 years ago and surviving, it was less of a worry.   
“Let’s go get you prepped eh?” the nurse said and called several nurses over.  
As Chris watched the medical staff surround him, he became slightly panicked. He couldn’t get out of this. What if it went wrong? What if he didn’t survive this? He wanted Craig or someone with him.

   
“Right, lets prep you,” the anaesthetist said as he went through procedure. Chris realised he had been through this before and seemed experienced; doing things automatically. As he checked Chris’ clothing and medical records, Chris noticed the anaesthetist’s assistant. He didn’t seem as confident and seemed to be watching carefully. Chris assumed he was a student; his appearance of glasses and writing notes indicated the mannerisms of a student. Whilst waiting for the anaesthetist to do something, he looked around him.  
Several vials with different names sat in rows in front of him in a cabinet along with several bowls of needles. The number of needles in each bowl made him feel ill.    
“Right, that all looks good. Now, we are going to attach you to some machines so we can monitor you.” He said, bringing over several. Chris sat up and let the anaesthetist attach him to them. He felt like an experiment. The patches attached to his chest pulled and felt strange. The heart machine beeped in response to its connection. Why did this have to happen now? Why did he have to go through this?  
Then, he came over with a needle attached to a strange rubbery tube. He knew what it was.   
“Now, this is the cannula. This will be needed so we can feed you fluids throughout as well as blood if you need it.”  
Chris became nervous. Why wasn’t anyone with him? He looked around him for craig or someone. He wanted someone so badly. Last time, Aleks came with him but, as she was busy with the children, she couldn’t come with him.   
“Where would you like it? Arm or hand?” he asked, preparing a local anaesthetic.   
“Hand.” Chris decided, trying not to panic about the whole thing. He wanted some right now. Anyone. As the local took its affect and the doctor ensured it had, he inserted the needle. It felt strange, like the hand wasn’t his.   
The anaesthetist noticed Chris’ heart rate was fairly high. “You decided not to have a pre-med, is that right?”  
Chris nodded,   
“Hmm, well you’re very panicky at the moment. You’re going to be fine. It may be over very shortly. Nothing’s going to go wrong.”  
“I know.” He replied, still worrying,   
“No one coming with you?” he said, happy with the cannula’s position and numbness  
“No.” Chris said and examined his hand. It made him feel slightly lightheaded and strange as he couldn’t feel his hand anymore but saw the cannula there.  
“When you’ve calmed down a little we will anaesthetise you.” He said, sitting with him.   
After calming down somewhat, the anaesthetist decided on how to anaethatise him.   
“Now, where it is, I suggest we give you a regional. I think an epidural should work so you’re not completely out.”  
“Right.”   
“You will be awake throughout. I promise I will still be there with you even though you’re not going to be unconscious.”  
“Okay.” Chris said an exhaled. He wondered how his TD would affect this. He didn’t want to ask about it. They probably took that into account.   
“Right. I will get you prepped for that.” He said and walked off.  
The assistant then began disconnecting the machines,   
“We will erm, have to give you a catheter during the operation.”  
“I know. Ive had one before.”  
“Oh.” The assistant replied, “Well, the epidural shouldn’t take long. You may not need it for long.”  
“I see.”  
Chris examined the assistant’s body language. They seemed nervous of this whole thing and not sure what to do. As Chris was going to talk to him, the anaesthetist came back with the doctor from earlier.  
“Right, let’s start this then.” He said and got Chris to sit with his back to him,   
Chris clenched his hand as the needle went in.   
“Any shock or tingling?”  
“No.”  
“Good. Now I will feed the drug.”  
As the drug travelled into him, it felt warm and his whole lower half began not to feel like his. After a while, the anaesthetist came over with ice and placed it on Chris’ stomach.  
“Is that cold?” he asked,   
Surprisingly, Chris felt nothing, “No.”   
“Good it worked. We can go an operate now.”  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Chris woke up in the recovery ward, feeling very odd indeed. His lower half didn’t feel a part of him still and he felt sick. He didn’t watch the operation, and although it was a success, he still felt nervous about it. When he slept, he felt bruised and often thought how it would have been if he was completely out. He clenched the blanket around him as he shivered slightly. The theatre he was in was very cold and was still recovering. The anaesthetist was good with him and helped him feel calm (calmer at least). He just wished there was someone else with him. Anyone would have done for him. He’d felt alone these past few weeks and this made him feel worse.   
He heard someone come into the room he was in. He sat up expecting it to be  Craig, hoping it was Craig, but it wasn’t.  
“It was alright wasn’t it?” The anaesthetist asked, smiling and closing the door behind him,  
“Yes. I guess it was”  
“So, now that shouldn’t be a problem for you. We placed back everything that was misplaced. It may still feel a little bruised though.”  
Chris smiled slightly, a Picasso painting coming into his head .   
“It is a little bruised erm,” he said quietly, not wanting to make a fuss,  
“Is anyone coming to see you?” the anaesthetist asked, examining his scar. It was normal, but the doctors would have to check it out. He was concerned about his behaviour. Since he’d been there, he noticed Chris didn’t seem very happy, infact, almost secluded from everyone else. Even before the operation itself, he never spoke about anyone, not like patients normally would.   
Chris sighed, “I don’t think anyone is coming for me no.”  
“Oh. Well im sure you’re important to someone. And erm, if you need anything just give us a shout. Don’t hesitate!” He said and left, closing the door behind him.  
‘ _I need friends, but do I seem to have any…’_  
As he lay there, numb and still mildly drugged, he wondered what he had done to upset Craig so much. Why hadn’t he called or text him? Dan was just the same, but he was in Guadeloupe. It seemed like no one cared right now.

After spending a day in hospital, no one had bothered to come and see him. He’d stayed up as long as he could but no one came. It was like he didn’t exist anymore. As he sat himself up and looked around, most of the other patients had visitors. He wished he had someone right now. He’d told Aleks he may have to stay overnight, but she still hadn’t come yet. What if something happened to the children? Or maybe, she just forgot about him? He sighed and tried to get himself up. He felt well enough to do so. As he moved the catheter from his leg, he managed to stand up. As he stood however, he felt ill and his wound made him feel worse.   
“Sir, are you okay?” a nurse asked, walking in fairly briskly  
Chris nodded, trying to stay brave even though his side hurt like hell. Why was a woman here?  
“Feeling ill?”  
“A little.” Chris sighed, trying not to feel bad.  
“Try sitting a while. I will go and check with your doctor to see if you can leave yet. You’ve been here 24 hours I take it?”  
Chris nodded,  
“Alright, I will go and check.”  
“Okay.” Chris said and watched her leave. He panted slightly and tried not to feel pain. Why hadn’t anyone come for him? The amount of times he’d been there for others when they had operations was unbelievable. He’d been there more times they’d been there for him.   
The nurse returned with a water bottle and a smile,  
“Good news. You can go home very soon.”  
“Right.” Chris smiled, drinking the water he was given. “Will I be able to drive myself?”  
“Well, that all depends on how you feel and how you’ve recovered. If you’re not sick and can feel everything then yes. We don’t want you back here in a coffin.”  
“I will be fine.” Chris said, standing unsteadily, ‘ _I think.’_  
“Hmm. We’ll let us check you out first.”  



	3. Chapter 3

After the examination, the doctors decided that Chris wasn’t able to drive back; his tardive dyskinesia had gotten worse. Chris sat on his bed, dressed and bandaged, trying not to throw up. As he shook, he tried to think of another way of getting home. Robert wouldn’t be a good choice as he always felt nervous in his car. Craig, no, out of the question. He didn’t give a crap about him right now. Danny, no, he was in Guadeloupe busy. He wanted to drive himself back so much. He didn’t feel it right Aleks seeing him this way, but then again, she was his wife and had been in worse situations with her.   
He felt on his bedside table and found his phone. Although his hand was bruised from the cannula, he managed to phone Aleks.   
“Hello?” she answered,   
“Aleks?”  
“Chrissy, how are you? Did it go okay?” she asked concerned,  
“Yes, it was okay. Was awake through it though but, no, I’m fine. ”  
“Im glad” she smiled with voice, “I’m sorry I couldn’t come with you. Louis was ill and I had to sort him out..”  
“Oh. Badly ill?”  
“Just sickness, there’s a bug going around the school apparently so nothing too bad.”  
“Oh right.” Chris said, nervous about his son and the question he was going to have to ask,   
“Anyway, you okay?” Aleks asked, wondering why he called,  
“Erm, I need you to come and get me. I erm, can’t drive myself back because I’ve erm, got worse.”  
“Alright Chrissy, I will come get you. Where are you?”  
“Hospital still, I think in the recovery ward.”  
“Alright, well I will call you when I get outside the hospital. Stay safe.”  
Chris hung up and sat on his bed. He sighed and wondered how he would be when he got home. The doctors said he may have some ‘problems’ for a few days which was the least of his problems. He was still wondering why Craig hadn’t spoken to him. As he waited on his bed for a text or call from Aleks, he realised he needed to be somewhere on Saturday. He’d agreed to the event several weeks ago and he didn’t want to give it up.

Chris waited in the reception area, carrying his bag on the opposite shoulder to his injury. It ached with pain, but was slightly numb as the doctor had given him a mild painkiller. As he stood there, he became more anxious as more and more people began to flood into the large hall. He prayed no one would recognise him and tell anyone about it. He clenched his hand as he began to panic. ‘ _please hurry aleks. Please.’_ Just as the anxiety was reaching its , he saw Aleks coming towards him through the crowd.   
He smiled at her and walked over,the nerves calming down a little,   
“Hey.”  
“Hey.”  
“You alright?”  
“Yes, more importantly, are you?”  
“Been better.”  
Aleks took the bag off him, “Come on, let’s get you back into civilisation.”  
Chris wanted the bag back, but reluctantly let her carry it. As they walked together down the carpark, surprisingly holding hands, Chris thought of Craig. Jackie might have told Aleks about him, after all they were friends.  
“Erm, has Jack spoke to you recently?” he asked, not being sure if she would answer him,   
“No, not recently. Should she have done?”  
“No.” Chris sighed. What was wrong with that family? Why wouldn’t they speak to them? Had something happened?  
“Well, I wouldn’t worry too much about him. Probably working or something. Right now, let’s focus on getting you better.”  
Chris smiled at her concern for him, but then remembered Saturday.    
As they got into the car, Chris decided to bring it up.  
“Erm, Saturday, I have an event to go to.”  
“No you don’t.” Aleks said sternly,   
“Aleks, I do.”  
“No.”  
“Yes. I have to go.”  
“Why? Is it a legal requirement? Will you get arrested if you don’t go to this place?”  
“No.”  
“So why do you have to go?”  
“Because, because they don’t deserve to be disappointed again.”  
Aleks paused what she was doing, “you mean the fans I assume.”  
Chris nodded,  
“Chris, what’s more important? Your welfare or theirs?”  
He sighed, “Theirs. I…I don’t matter.”  
She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, “You do. And I bet the fans would be hurt if they heard you say that. I’m sure they’ll understand if you can’t go, you have just had an operation for god sake.”  
Chris was determined to go. He couldn’t let them down _again._ Dan had shown him the comments they’d written when he cancelled the last time, which hurt.   
“I have to go…please let me.” He begged, almost crying,  
She sighed, “Alright, you can go. But you must promise me that you’ll be safe and call me if anything happens.”   
“I promise.”  
“Who else is going?” she asked, almost as if she was saying it to Alfie or Louis,  
“Bob and Hat. If you’re that worried, Bob could take me and bring me back.”  
“ Okay. Still, at least you’re with one person who knows about your problems.” Aleks gave him a suspicious look and drove them into London.  
As they passed the various traffic lights, shops and crowds, Chris  thought about where he would stay tonight.   
“So, where you taking me?”  
“Home. _Our_ home. Is that bad?”  
“Well,” Chris began, knowing she would e against the idea.   
“Chrissy, you can’t stay at your place _all_ the time.”  
“Just this once. Just for tonight to see how bad I am. Then tomorrow when I come back, I know how I am.   
She sighed deeply and drummed her fingers on the wheel as they hit a red light. Chris knew she didn’t like it but what other option? He didn’t want to worry the children.  
“I don’t like this. Not at all,” She glanced at him, worried, “I don’t want you to stay away from me because you’re ill.”  
“Just tonight I swear.” He said, giving her a promising look,  
She sighed, knowing she was beaten. “Alright, just tonight but please call me. Please.”  
“I will. Anything major I will.”


	4. Chapter 4

Chris had been home for an hour now: alone and regretting not staying with Aleks. He placed a hand on the pain in his stomach and half watched the news channel in front of him. He wasn’t interested in the news and had put it on for company. As he watched, the stories made him feel worse about himself; death filled the headlines as reports of terrorism and schools flooded his head. He sighed and lay down on the sofa, trying to take him mind off the numbness in his stomach. He thought of Saturday. How would he be around all those people? He was aware of his TD playing up and he prayed that his anxiety wasn’t going to do the same. He didn’t feel up to answering fans questions on why he seemed so nervous around people and why he had certain ticks. He took a deep breath and tried to hold the pain in his stomach. It didn’t work and ended up making himself feel worse. He groaned and sat himself up. The room around him was too messy for his liking; his bag and jacket were on the floor and he hadn’t cleaned up some rubbish from the last time he had been here several weeks ago. As he decided to get up, his phone rang. He answered, hoping it was Craig calling and asking how it went. But instead, it was Robert.   
“Hey Bob.”  
“Hey Chris. How you feel now?”  
“Better thank you.” Chris smiled,  
“That’s great. I know it was giving you trouble before so I’m glad that’s over.”  
“Yes. It’s a little numb now though but, I guess that will pass,”  
“Yes.” Robert replied, “So erm, Aleks said she’s worried about you going Saturday.”  
“Yeah I know. She told me.”  
“Well, do you want me to come and collect you from Aleks’ or yours if you’re not okay to drive?”  
“Erm, not sure. All depends how I am.” Chris said, knowing Robert wasn’t aware of his other problems,  
“Alright. Well, you can always text me if you feel you can’t drive.”  
“I know.” Chris smiled,   
“You heard from Craig at all?” Robert questioned,   
“No I haven’t. Jack hasn’t even called Aleks so,”  
“Oh, that’s because he’s doing a documentary on his life.”  
“Oh. I see.” Chris replied. Craig didn’t have time for him anymore. He knew he shouldn’t be jealous of that, especially as the documentary was giving him money, but not even a call?  
“You okay?” Robert asked, noticing the silence.  
“Yes I’m fine. Just thinking.”  
“Well don’t think too hard!” he joked,  
“Okay. Well, talk later Bob.”  
“Alright, call if you need me.”  
“Bye.”  
For some reason, talking to Robert made him feel somewhat better. He knew Robert cared the best he could, even if he didn’t fully understand his ‘issues’. He tried to relish this happiness, but what he told him about Craig made him feel useless. How did Robert know and not him. He wanted to know what it was about a lot more. Why hadn’t he told him about it? Why was he keeping things from him?  


As he lay in bed, managing to somehow get dressed through the pain, he worried about how he and Craig would be at the premier in the next few weeks. What else was he hiding from him?   
Then, another call.  
As he reached and answered, ignoring the pain in his abdomen. It was Aleks.  
“hey.”  
“Heya chrissy darling, you okay?”  
“Yes, Im fine.” He said, placing a hand on the pain,   
“Sure?”  
“Yes.”  
“Well, Jack spoke to me a few minutes ago. Craig’s doing a documentary so that’s why he hasn’t spoke to you, probably.”  
“I know, Bob told me.”  
“Well, I will tell you something new.”  
“What?”  
“You know that place you and Craig stayed in together ages ago?”  
“Yes.” Chris said, worrying. Why was she mentioning that?   
“Well, he’s apparently going there to film a part of the documentary.”  
“Why?”  
“I don’t know. Jack just said he’s going there tomorrow so if he calls you then don’t be surprised.”  
“I will be surprised.” He sighed,   
“Oh, still hasn’t called?”  
“Nope.” Chris looked down at the pain. He needed medication badly and Craig was making it hurt more,  
“Im sure he will come around eventually.” She reassured,  
“Hmm.”  
“Look, just don’t think about him. Just think about getting better,”  
“Alright.”  
“Well, good night. I will pick you up tomorrow at 11. Is that okay?”  
“Uh hu. Night.” He said, hanging up before his pain worsened,  
Placing the phone back on the bedside, he winced as the pain got worse.  He held back tears as he got up to get some medication out of his bag. He found the packet and was surprised he hadn’t taken an overdose. As he swallowed it, he began to cry a little. He thought he meant a lot to craig; kept him company, protected him, payed off drug debts he owed and got into fights for him. And what did Craig do for him? Nothing. Whenever he needed help, he hadn’t been there for him. With all the medication and abandonment he had had, he needed people around him. He thought craig’d be there but, obviously not. Most of the nights he;d just sit there smoking and drinking with his other friends and watch as Chris secluded himself.  
 As he sat in bed, bent double as his side hurt and crying, he wondered what he meant to anyone. He wanted to talk to him so badly, ask him why he’d kept stuff from him. Weren’t they friends anymore? He wanted to know, then it could be another he could tick off his list.


	5. Chapter 5

As Chris stirred into consciousness, the sun almost blinding him from the window above, the pain in his side worsened. He shivered, even though it wasn’t cold around him. The he realised he woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare which played in his head. The coldness made him feel worse. He looked at the time: 10pm. Aleks would be coming for him in an hour and he wasn’t ready.  
Trying not to stress out, he focused on getting ready. Running into the kitchen, he turned on the toaster and put two slices of bread in. He had to show her he was okay. He had to show her he could look after himself. Worrying whether he would be ready on time, he dashed into his bed room and tried to find some suitable clothes. Sifting through them, he shook a little as he was freaking out. So many things still had to be done until he was ready. It had taken him 10 minutes to find clothes and now smelt burning. He put the clothes on the bed and made his way into the kitchen, managing to save the toast before it became charcoal. It was still edible. As he buttered it, his phone rang.  
“Hello?” he asked, shaking a little  
“Morning Chrissy, you okay?” she asked, her voice soothing him a little,  
“Erm, no.” Chris sighed, knowing he needed help. He wouldn’t be ready on time and his side was hurting,  
“Whats wrong?”  
“i.. I can’t do this. I thought I could but…” Chris said, panting a little as he realised he couldn’t on his own. He needed help.  
“Alright. Stay calm Chris. I’m coming.”  
“Okay.” He said, panting. He felt like he was panicking and held onto the table top behind for dear life.  
“I love you.” Aleks said, trying to calm him,  
“I know.” He replied and hung up.  
Whilst he waited for Aleks to come, he gripped onto the table and breathed deeply. He felt himself go white and sickness came over him. He glanced down at the table in front of him. God he didn’t want to throw up, not now. He threw his head back and tried to breathe. Everything was overwhelming him; the stuff with Craig, the pain he was feeling, the panic of not being able to look after himself. He couldn’t do this. His stomach was killing him; the pain was both numb and painful. ‘ _Please come soon. Please.’_ He breathed erratically, trying not to throw up. He’d hardly eaten anything so he didn’t know why he was feeling so bad. His hands weren’t behaving and opened and closed on their own. He sat himself on the floor and breathed faster, his hands feeling shaky and began to feel pressure in his stomach.  He felt like death, he couldn’t take this. All he could do was breathe and wait for her.

It had taken Aleks approximately 15 minutes to get to Chris’ apartment block; learning the way over the years. She got there as fast as she could, knowing he wasn’t himself. By the time she got there and found where Chris was, she realised she was a little late. She found him on the kitchen floor throwing up over himself and shivering.  
She knelt beside him and held him close to her. “Oh Chrissy.”  
“Im sorry.” He cried, not knowing what to do. He didn’t want this to happen. He thougt he was okay.  
“Its okay. I’m here now.” She said, noticing he was shaking badly. She understood how he felt as this had happened several times before. She was aware how to deal with him; just wait with him until the shivering stopped.  
“You started panicking didn’t you?”  
Chris nodded, preventing himself from throwing up,  
“Well, there was no need to. If you needed time I would have understood.”  
Chris moaned and tried to calm himself down, contractions slightly worsening,  
As Aleks sat with him on the floor, she realised that this had been the first in a long time when they had been close like this. Usually, either her or Chris were out or the children needed attention.  
As Aleks stroked his sides, being careful not to touch the wound, she realised he wasn’t being sick anymore.  
“Well, if you’re like this Saturday morning you’re not going.”  
Chris moaned, “No, I have to go.”  
“Chrissy, you aren’t well. You can’t go to something if you’re ill. The fans will understand, please.”  
Chris realised and understood what she meant. He couldn’t go if he was throwing up, but at the same time, he didn’t want to disappoint them.  
“Okay. I…I won’t go if I throw up.”  
“Good.” Aleks said, holding him close to her and stroking his back. She wished she could help in some way; knowing how much pain he could be in sometimes.  After waiting a few minutes, she noticed Chris had stopped being sick.  
“You feel better now?”  
Chris nodded, still breathing deeply and shaking.  
“Alright, well I will clean this up for you. Can you get yourself up okay?”  
Chris nodded and got himself up shakily. His legs and arms still felt shaky but he could move them. He felt lightheaded and his chest ached,  
“Well, I feel this needed to come out. It was a reaction to your anaesthetic probably. ” She said, noticing some was in fact blood.  
Chris sighed, worrying about the blood, “Is that bad?”  
“No, probably came from the operation on your stomach. It’s okay now. Go and have a shower. I will help you.”  
Chris left Aleks to clear up, feeling guilty. He couldn’t look after himself in this state. He was useless.  
Getting into the bathroom, he took off his trousers and left them by the door. He felt so bad leaving her to do it, but then again, he had no choice.

After showering, he found a clean set of clothes on the bed. He smiled and realised Aleks had put them there. As he put on his underwear, Aleks called through the door.  
“Im just going to put your old things in the wash for you okay?”  
“Okay.” Chris said, wincing as he looked at the wound on his side. It was very sore and was painful to touch.  
As he put his trousers on, it hurt more. He cried out accidently and sat on the bed, knowing she heard him.  
Aleks rushed in, “You okay?”  
“Yeah.” He said, holding the pain, not being able to disguise it.  
“Let me see.” She asked, getting closer to him.  
As he showed her, he wondered how it would be at events. He couldn’t show pain to the fans otherwise they’d ask questions.  
“Hmm. Its still quite bad. Maybe you should bandage it?” she said, worrying  
Chris stood and put on his shirt, “You think?”  
“Yes. It will prevent it from getting infected if it reopens. “  
“Alright. I will do that.”  
“Right now?”  
“Yes.” Chris said and got himself a bandage from the bathroom.

Now dressed and ready to go to Alek’s, Chris got into her car. He put his bag by his feet as he sat and  waited for her to lock up. She had insisted that she locked his apartment as she wanted to make sure his place was safe.  
When she got into the car and belted up, she gave the key back to him,  
“Thanks.”  
“Now, no going back there for a while now. _I_ want to look after you.”  
“Alright.” He smiled, slightly worried about how he was.  
As she drove the two of them home, he worried how she’d be with him.  


As they got in, Aleks made Chris go straight to the sofa,  
“You need rest.” She said, pushing him onto it.  
Chris laughed a little, “Alright.” He always found her funny when she played with him.  
Then, Aleks’ phone rang  
“Hello?” Aleks asked, walking away from Chris a little,  
Chris propped himself up and tried to listen to the conversation. Was it…no, it wasn’t Craig, he didn’t care about them.  
“Jack! Not heard from you in ages. How are things?!”  
The conversation was inaudible on Jackie’s side, so Chris couldn’t hear the details. Aleks glanced over at Chris, knowing he wanted to know.  
“Oh right hehe. Things are fine here. How’s Craig?”  
Chris looked at Aleks expectantly, hoping she’d repeat what she said.  
“Busy recording the documentary, right.” She repeated, glancing over at Chris. He sighed and lay back on the sofa. No time for him anymore.  
“Oh, that’s alright. I understand you want much time with him as possible…We’ve been busy here too. I was worried that you hadn’t called though...”  
Chris hoped in one way that she wouldn’t mention him; it should be between her and Jack, but then again, he didn’t mind her knowing. Maybe she’d tell Craig?  
“Yeah. Men can be like that. Speaking of men,” Aleks began, looking over at Chris and smiled, “chris’ been fairly busy too…. yeah, well he had an op like 2 days ago so…. oh you know…yeah, hes fine now though….brought him home…”  
He wasn’t okay, he didn’t feel okay, he felt like death right now. He just wanted to speak to Craig, make him feel a part of someone, something again. He had Aleks but, it wasn’t enough.  
“Oh Craig’s back…Well bye…talk soon.” She said and hung up,  
“Well, what she say about him?” he asked her as she sat next to him,  
“Well, she says Craig hasn’t spent time with her and has been busy. He would have contacted you but..”  
“Didn’t have time to.” Chris finished and sighed,  
“Yeah.” She placed a hand on his, “He’s still your friend, just, he’s busy.”  
“Hmm.”  
“I erm, best go and get us drinks.” She said, getting up.  
Chris lay on the sofa and sighed deeply, trying not to cry. Why wasn’t he important to him anymore?


	6. Chapter 6

As Chris sat in the event hall, he felt pleased with himself. He’d managed to disguise his pain well and no one had asked him any questions about it. It was lunchtime, so the actors at the events could go and eat in a private room away from fans.   
As he got up, his bag protecting his side from being hit off the table, Hattie got up at the same time.   
“You okay?” she asked,  
“Yeah, fine.” Chris replied, side hurting him. He’d been down for a while now and it was a shock to him getting up.   
“You sure?” she asked him as they walked out of the hall.   
Chris simply nodded, holding his side as it hurt.   
“Alright. Well, Robert said to find a place and he will come to us.” Hattie smiled and walked into the cafeteria.   
As Chris followed, he felt more and more pain. He felt sick again and hadn’t eaten since this morning.   
As they sat at a table, Chris took the bag off him and put it in his lap.   
Hattie was smiling, as usual.   
“So, how you think it’s gone so far?” She said, placing her hands on the table,  
“Alright. Fans have been fine.” He said, checking his phone. Aleks had text him, asking if he was okay. He sighed, he wasn’t, but couldn’t tell her that. This was the first time he had been out since the operation and he’d promised her he’d be okay.  
As he replied, he bit his lip to try and keep the pain down. It still hurt. What had he done?  
“Is everything alright Chrissy?” she asked,   
“Yes fine.” He lied again, sending the message. He told her he was fine, when in actuality, he needed to go home. He needed to go back and take painkillers.  
“Sure?”   
Chris sighed. Should he tell her? Did he want her knowing? As he was going to tell her, Robert came over to them.   
“Hey you two.” Robert said, sitting next to Chris. He still smelt of cigarettes, but had got used to the smell after being with Craig so long.   
“Hi bob.” Hattie replied,  
Chris just smiled, hurting a little,  
“So, what’s everyone having?” he asked, picking up a menu. Chris noticed he was glancing over at him occasionally.   
As Hattie and Robert tried to decide what to eat, Chris was busy trying to not to show his pain. He knew he wasn’t good today, but couldn’t simply go home, they had the Q&A next.   
Robert passed Chris the menu when he was done with it. During the exchange, Robert seemed to notice Chris’s feelings.   
“You sure you’re alright.”  
Chris nodded, looking at the menu, trying to prevent his hand from going to the pained area.  
“Hmm. Alright.” He said. “Hat, can you go order for me and you?”  
“Oh, right.” Hattie said, leaving the two of them.  
After Hattie left, Robert turned to Chris,   
“What’s up?”  
“Nothing.”  
“No, there’s something. Is it your op?”  
Chris sighed, “Yes, it’s hurting really bad.”   
Robert looked around for some reason, “Was it this bad before?”  
“No.” Chris said, holding the pain,  
“Hmm. Maybe you should check it out or take something?”  
“No.”  
“Why not? We have still got time before our Q&A?”  
“I, I just don’t want to.” Chris sighed. He didn’t want to worry people. It hurt, but he guessed he could live with it. He was doing well so far.   
“Why not just take something for it? Look, I’m taking you back anyway.”  
Chris thought for a moment, could he really medicate here? He had everything but that was beside the point. Could he take the stuff and still answer questions?   
“Alright, I will take stuff.”   
“Alright, I will wait for you when you get back.” Robert said, sitting at the table still.  
When Hattie returned, she placed the tray with their food on the table.  
“Where’s he gone now?”  
“To, erm, take something.” Robert said and began to eat.

*****************

After the Q&A, Chris felt relieved that the pain had stopped whilst he answered questions. The three of them walked back over to their tables for any last requests and to tidy their pictures up.  
As Chris tidied, the pain came back, somewhat number than before. He glanced over at Robert at the further table. He was watching him carefully.  
Giving the steward the pictures, he walked over to Robert.  
“You sure you’re okay taking me back?”  
“Well, would Aleks be happy if I didn’t?” he said, getting his coat and bag.  
Hattie came over, “What you boys talking about?”  
“Oh, Roberts taking me home.” Chris smiled,   
“Oh right. Well, Im waiting for someone to take me back.”  
“You have no one?”   
“No. I came here by taxi.”  
“Hmm.” Robert thought. “Well why don’t I take you both back.”  
“You sure?” Both asked at the same time,  
“Yeah. She’ll carry both of you.” He said and the three of them left together.   


Whilst in the car, Chris noticed that Hattie seemed to be very happy around him, perhaps almost flirtatious. He was hurting, but feel he couldn’t show her. Even though she’d been there for him, he still couldn’t, he felt it would be improper of him to do so. She sat close to him, texting someone and resting her head on his shoulder.  He glanced down at who she was texting. It was a friend she knew as he had heard her mention him one time. He didn’t think anything of her lying on him; just wanted to be friendly that was all. Something at the back of his mind thought that this was due to the fact that Hattie ‘liked’ him, but dismissed it. He had Aleks, he couldn’t have her. He didn’t want her in that way anyway. He continued to watch her carefully. She wasn’t texting anymore, but just lying on him. He felt nervous for some reason, like this action was bad.   
“You alright Hat?” He asked her, feeling pain in his side again,  
“Oh yes.” She said, getting up quickly, almost suddenly realising that she was lying on him.   
“Good.” Chris said, smiling at her.   
“You two alright yeah?” Robert asked, stopping at a light.   
“Yes.” Both replied,   
“Good.” Robert said, driving for a while. “Oh, is Aleks home for you Chrissy?”  
“Yes.” Chris replied, looking at Hattie who seemed to be glancing at her phone.  
“Hat? Anyone for you?”  
“Well, the person I’m staying with isn’t back yet and I don’t have my key.” Hattie said, texting them back,  
“Well, what do you want to do?” Robert asked,  
Chris had an idea, but wasn’t sure how she’d take it, “You could always come to mine for a while. I’m sure Al wont mind.”   
“Really?” Hattie said, eyes relighting,  
“Yeah. I will ask her.” Chris said, beginning to text Aleks. He wasn’t sure how either women would take the proposal, but what else could he do? He was a gentleman; he couldn’t leave her on her own.

When they got to Chris’s, Aleks had agreed to the idea that Hattie could stay for a while. She had done once before, but Chris felt that Aleks got jealous of her for some reason.   
“Thanks Bob.” Chris called and Hattie and him walked down the drive.  
Aleks met them at the door, smiling at the two of them. Hattie seemed too close to him, too close for Chris or Aleks liking.  
“Hello you two.” She said, allowing them in.   
Chris smiled and walked into the living room. Alfie and Louis were in there, on their phones.   
As Chris sat on the sofa, the boys joined him. They continued to play, but Louis lay on Chris’ lap. Chris wanted to take painkillers, but didn’t want to move louis.  
Hattie then came in.  
“You sure this is okay?” She asked, Aleks walking in also,  
“Yes, sure.” Aleks smiled, “You’re living with someone then?”  
“Yes.” Hattie smiled, “A friend.”  
Chris turned to look at her, he was pleased she’d found someone.  
“A male friend?”  
“Yes, I met him a short while ago.” She said, seeming to be getting very shy,  
“Oh?”  
“Yes. Erm, he’s living with me at the moment and isn’t back yet.”  
“Oh.” Aleks said, seeming to be getting very excitable, “Are you with him?”  
“well, I don’t know yet. Ive only met for a few weeks.”  
“Would you want to?” Aleks asked, holding Hattie’s hands,  
“Well, erm, yes.” She said, laughing with happiness. The two of them seemed to jump and speak relatively high pitched,   
“Well, that’s girls for you.” Chris said to the boys, the boys laughing in response.   



	7. Chapter 7

“You sure you want to watch it?” Aleks asked Chris, knowing that something had happened between them. She snuggled with him on the sofa.   
“Yes, I want to see what’s kept him so busy.” Chris said and turned to the channel.  
Throughout watching, Aleks kept an eye on Chris, knowing he was vulnerable to things upsetting him. They both watched, Chris seeming anxious. When they got to where he and Craig used to live, he seemed more attentive. But, when he wasn’t mentioned, he seemed to somewhat become reserved. Infact he seemed upset.   
When it had finished, Chris got up rather quickly,  
“You alright?” she asked, watching as he walked to the stairs,  
“Im fine.” He lied and walked into his room.   
Aleks wanted to follow, but decided not to. He needed his own space.

By the time Chris had woken up, he knew he was going to be late. He hadn’t said a word to Aleks all night or this morning. He felt bad about it, but he couldn’t express how he felt. As he drove to UKTV Live, he wondered how things would be between him and Craig today. Parking the car, he saw Robert’s already there. Locking up, he wondered whether Craig had even thought about him. Had he even once thought about how he’d feel.  
Walking to the ‘blue room’, he saw Doug, Craig and Robert waiting, holding drinks. A ‘steward’ confirmed that Chris was there.   
“Aah here he is.” Doug said happily,   
“What took you so long?” Robert asked, giving him a look which asked ‘you okay?’  
“Traffic. It erm, was bad.” Chris smiled, trying to hide the fear of Craig. Craig seemed to ignore him completely.  The reason for his lateness was because Aleks wouldn’t let him leave until he’d eaten something, but he wouldn’t tell Robert that.   
“So, erm, how’s the leg Craig?” Chris asked, noticing he was limping slightly.  
“its fine.” He said, almost too harshly.  
Robert looked as if he was going to say something to him, but resisted. Doug, Robert and Craig left together onto the ‘blue carpet’. Chris went in minutes later, on his own.  
As they all had their photos taken, Chris felt somewhat nervous. He knew Craig had something against him, but didn’t know what. He acted friendly around him when they had a group photo, but that was all.

************

As they walked as a group to interviews, Chris tried to talk to Craig. When as they waited to go onto periscope for their interview, he’d tried to start a conversation.  Nothing. He was too busy using Robert as a leaning post and talking with him. He wanted that to be him. He wanted Craig to use him as a post instead. Why Robert? Why everyone else but him?   
When they got to the interview, it made Chris feel rather nervous. All this technology wasn’t his area, and he was worried he’d do something wrong.   
“Alright, we ready?” The presenter asked them.  
They all said they were and a person started the periscope. They held their tablet in the air to record them. Chris became confused at the fact that they were filming on one, but there was a screen below them showing the same thing.

As they did the interview, the pain from his side began to remind him it was there. He tried to hide it, which he managed, but he knew soon he wouldn’t be able to. Craig’s actions weren’t helping him anyway.   
When they were told that the connection had cut out, Chris took the opportunity to speak to Craig.   
He tried, but wasn’t sure, watching as Robert spoke with him.  He felt he should speak to him, but he was scared.  
Then, the presenter asked Craig what he was drinking. When he told him, he wanted to join in. When he did join in, Craig didn’t reply and it was just him and the presenter now. He sighed internally, hoping it wasn’t showing.   
When Robert recorded the Periscope, he felt somewhat happier and could get near Craig without getting attacked. When Robert wanted to know the hashtag, Chris noticed it was on the side of the booth they were in. He told Robert where it was, but it was Craig that took the credit. For some reason, everyone seemed to love Craig right now. He sighed and looked around, cameras everywhere. He didn’t like this. He wished he’d stayed at home. Why did he come here? He felt so alone. He wanted attention. He knew it could have a bad impact on him but he got his phone out anyway. He had bought his first mobile in 1995 and never upgraded it after that.  The comments he received from Robert and Craig didn’t impact. He had attention, he liked it. After the interview, they walked down the corridor to find another interviewer. Chris sighed, another one?  He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be home.

As he stood by Craig, he wanted it to be over. He glanced over at him when they spoke, but he knew it was only so they looked friendly. He held onto Robert almost as if he needed to for dear life. Then, they commented on his manor. True, maybe sometimes he was too formal, but that was just him. The fact that both did it made Chris almost feel he wasn’t wanted. No one ‘really’ liked him, he was just another being. When Craig held onto him, even though it was only briefly, he felt so happy. Like he was needed, but it soon left. They laughed, but only for the fans.

When the interview was finally over, Chris felt he needed to talk to Craig. He’d made comments about him so he must be on speaking terms with him at least.  Robert glanced over at Chris, almost sadly, knowing he’d hurt him too.   
“How’s your side now?”  Robert asked, noticing he was moving more than usual,  
“Erm, fine.” Chris said, trying not to make it obvious. There were still cameras around. He knew he attention seeked today, but he needed people. He needed someone, somewhere to take notice.  
Craig then turned to him, “Yeah well, let’s hope he doesn’t take up all the limelight eh?” he said, snidly,  
“Oh trust me. No one takes notice of me anymore.” Chris said, truthfully.  
Craig looked angrily at him, and looked as if he would punch him, but decided not to.   
Robert stood infront of Craig and he limped down the corridor to the room where they’d watch Twentica. Chris didn’t want to see that either as he knew he wasn’t his best in that one. Chris didn’t want to see that either as he knew he wasn’t at his best in that one. It had been the last recording of series XI and he’d been so unwell and exhausted the recordings had to be halted for a bit so he could sit down for a moment. In the end Doug had decided to call off the last few scenes and resume filming during pick up week. He worried about people seeing he was “off” during most of the episode. Robert suddenly talking to him shook him from his thoughts.  
“He’s a little tipsy I think.” Robert said, pointing at the bottle still in Craig’s hand.   
“Yeah.” Chris said, knowing he hadn’t been all this time. He had something against him.

********************

When Chris came back from live, he went straight to his room. He didn’t even want to talk to Aleks. She called his name up the stairs, but he didn’t speak to her.

Chris sat in his room in front of the computer and sighed.  He’d lied to Aleks again, but he felt he had to. He couldn’t be jealous of Craig. I mean, he hadn’t mentioned him right, it didn’t mean that…  
He sighed. It was obvious Craig didn’t care. When he’d told him about the operation, he seemed to exclude it. He stayed more with Robert as he was ‘stronger’ than Chris was. He wished now he’d got there earlier, maybe he’d have wanted to hold onto him. He found Skype and became nervous. He felt stupid for needing to call Dan. He was recording something else whilst on holiday. He felt like a burden.   
He found Dan’s profile and found a message. He’d messaged him earlier, seeing if he was okay. He had obviously been talking to Robert.   
Chris, not being able to reply, called him. He needed to hear him, he had to know he felt genuine about him. He felt so bad and hoped it didn’t show much when they called.  
“Hey Chrissy.” Dan smiled, sitting by a window with a nice view.  
“Hi.”  
“You okay?”   
“Erm, I guess so.” Chris sighed, holding his hand tightly, breathing a bit too heavily,  
“Hmm, well I don’t think you are.” Dan said, recognising this from before.   
Chris just looked at Dan, not knowing what to say.  
“What’s wrong?” Dan asked,   
“Everything.” Chris sighed, not knowing how to explain it. Everything from this week was flowing around in his head, overwhelming him.  
“What about it? Is it Craig?” Dan asked, seeming to somehow know,  
Chris nodded, trying not to cry,  
“Well, Robert messaged me earlier saying he noticed something awkward between you.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah.”  
“He, noticed?” Chris said, surprised with the fact he noticed,  
“Yes he did. What’s it about?”  
“I, I don’t know.”  
It was obvious Dan was checking something else as he was talking, noticing he was looking at something else.  
“Well, Craig’s made a documentary or something.” Dan said, “Is it that?”  
“Yes. He never, mentioned me. Not once.”  
“Really?”  
“Yeah.” Chris sighed, holding his hands hard, trying to feel pain,  
“Hmm. Did he mentioned anyone?”  
“Well, Simon Gregson was mentioned a fuck load. I’m not surprised if he and him aren’t an item by now.”  
“I cant believe he hasn’t mentioned you.”Dan said, genuinely shocked,  
“He even went to our old place but not one mention. I…I feel I don’t exist.”  
“I bet.” Dan said, not knowing what else to do.  
“Its like, everything I did in the past didn’t matter. I helped him pay people and even gave up some things so he could pay them. I even refused to do try out for Red Dwarf USA out of loyalty.  And what does he do? Nothing. He’s never once paid me back for anuthing. I feel like I don’t exist in his eyes. I…I feel…helpless…”  
“No, don’t. Its okay. He just, didn’t mention you.”  
“But after everything I did for him?”  
“I know. Its bad of him.” Dan sighed, knowing Chris was upset. Chris held his hands tightly and tried to scratch himself, trying not to cry.   
“There is the London screening coming up, right? I was thinking … Why don’t I come back a day earlier?”  
“No, you don’t need to…I’m…”  
“You’re not okay and if you are with those two on your own, I’m worried something will happen.”  
“But, Robert will be with me. He, he kind of knows.”  
“I don’t care, I’m coming back.”  
“Dan please, its fine.”  
“No, its not. Something is up. Im coming back a day early.”  
Chris sighed, “No.”  
“Chris, you’re ill and this stuff is bad for you right now. I can tell you’re not feeling good right now. Im coming back a day early. If its alright with Al, I will come stay with you.”  
“Dan..”  
“No. No more. You don’t need this stuff with Craig. He’s being mean.”  
“Thank you.” Chris said, knowing Dan at least cared.  
“Alright. You get to sleep. Tell Aleks how you feel.”  
“Alright.”  
“Later boy!” Dan said, smiling,  
“Later Dan.” Chris smiled back, hanging up.  
  
Chris came down the stairs, Aleks waiting at the bottom. He knew she wasn’t happy from what he could see of her.  
“Chrissy? What’s wrong?” she asked, worrying about him. She watched him come down the stairs, holding his hands close to him.   
“Erm,” he said, unsure whether to tell her. No, he had to. If he didn’t Dan would.   
“What is it?” She asked, still watching.  
As he got to the bottom, he looked at his hands. As he expected, they were red but he wasn’t bleeding.  
Aleks took them in her own and sighed, “What’s this because of? Craig?”  
“Yes.” Chris said, not looking at her.   
“Oh Chrissy. What’s gone on?” She said, leading him to the living room.   
As he sat on the sofa and told her, she seemed to understand. After spieling to her, she placed a hand on his shoulder.  
“Oh Chrissy.”  
“So, now you know.” He said, expecting her to hate him.   
“Its fine Chrissy. I understand how you feel. Its cruel of him to be like this, especially wth no explanation.”  
Chris smiled, she understood him,   
“I erm, have some news too.”  
“Oh?”  
“Dan’s coming back tomorrow.”  
“Oh right.” She said, rather happily,  
“Yes, he doesn’t want me with Craig alone.”  
“That’s good of him.” She smiled, holding his hand lovingly.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Contains Self harm and overdose. 
> 
> DivineVarod helped with the Beta-ing

The thought of going to BAFTA’s surprised Chris. Being in a place with other people a lot better known than him made him excited. The worries about Craig had gone somewhat as he knew Dan would help. Aleks knew how he felt about the whole Craig thing, so, she was considerate of how he was feeling. She had spoken to Dan in the morning of the BAFTA’s so she knew he knew what happened.

Chris waited for Dan outside the BAFTA building, hoping he wouldn't be too long. He wiggled a little to make sure his TD wasn't too bad tonight. He was in a place with professionals, he couldn't show he was feeling nervous or in pain. His operation didn't hurt much, but still felt a numb feeling in his side. Dan walked to the front of the building. For once, he came in his car rather than on bike.

"You alright?" Dan asked, walking to Chris, hugging him,  
"Better now you're here." Chris said, still hugging. He had gone into the building to see Robert and Craig, but Craig had told him to piss off.   
"Said anything?"  
"Besides 'piss off', nothing" he sighed, looking at his hands.  
"He's really annoying me you know. How he's being with you is not right. I spoke to him last night."  
"What did you say? Nothing about me right?!" Chris exclaimed, not wanting Dan to become involved with his problems.  
"All I asked him was how this week has gone for him."  
"And?"  
"He says it's gone the best it could. Recording the documentary, going to live and being with Robert..."  
" He said Robert exclusively?"  
"Yes. When I asked him about you he didn't say anything. He ignored it."  
Chris excitement crumpled and faded into darkness as he turned away from Dan and looked at his hands. Why hadn't he cut them? He didn't exist anymore.  
"He should be fine though. He can't be horrible to you whilst there's media there. People would notice too much."  
"I guess" Chris said, not wanting to be here anymore.  


They both walked into the BAFTAs. After clarifying who they were, they were allowed into the hall. Robert and Craig already had their seats and were on their phones. Robert was tweeting and Craig texting someone. Dan and Chris sat in their seats, Dan taking the one next to Craig. A steward came over to Dan and Chris and offered them a drink. Chris and Dan both opted for water, wanting to drive themselves back afterward. Robert spoke to Dan after finishing a Tweet.  
“Hey Dan, Chris, how are you?” Robert asked, smiling,  
“im alright.” Dan replied, looking at Chris.   
He didn’t reply, he looked at his water, almost as if he wanted to drown in it,  
Craig had simply looked at him and then returned to his phone.   
Rob and Dan looked at each other, knowing there was some awkwardness between the group.  
Then, Craig decided to speak, “So Dan, why you back?”  
“Oh, I just felt like it. Like I was going to come back next week but, missed home too much.”  
“Sure that’s all you missed?” Craig asked, seeming to be implying something else,  
“Yeah I missed the bike too!” Dan joked, they all laughed, even Chris did too.  
Waiting a few minutes, Robert decided to take a selfie with all of them. Even though he knew that Chris and Craig were somewhat awkward, they would all be fine with this. As he took it and posted it, Chris did feel happier, but not that much He knew what he was doing was just so people didn’t ask questions.

****

As they interviewed, Chris felt as though he was still being left out. He still felt ill and tried not to show it. He sat in the middle of Dan and Craig; Dan suggested sitting next to him to see whether it would break the tension between them. Again, they laughed to be friendly. He knew Craig hated him for some reason right now, but still didn’t know. Chris needed someone to listen, anyone. He glanced over at Dan, hoping he’d notice. He had done, but there was nothing he could do. He decided to mention the operation because, well, he didn’t want people to know, but he needed attention. Someone, anyone to care ...

After their interview, they were lead into a hallway with a large BAFTA statue. Chris walked into the corner of the room behind Robert and Craig. Bob, Dan and Craig all had a laugh together as Dan took a photo sitting by the BAFTA statue. Then, Dan had an idea of taking a group photo. The press walked in on them taking it. Afterwards, they asked the four of them to stand in various positions. Each time they stood, Chris and Craig didn’t stand together. He preferred everyone else except Chris.   
***

The bar was filled with people by the time the Red Dwarf cast got there. Most the people there were drinking, talking and taking photos with one another. Chris walked through the crowd to reach Dan and Robert. Craig was ordering at the bar.   
“Why not try talking to him?” Dan asked, the same Aleks had done that morning,  
“Why should I? You saw how he was during that interview.”  
“Look, just try. If he doesn’t talk to you tonight, we will get involved.”  
“Yea, its gone on too long.” Robert said, joining in,  
Just then Craig came over and pushed Chris out the way as he brought them their drinks.  
As they took their drinks they chatted, Chris being left out again. By now Craig almost excluded Chris from the group completely. After a short while of speaking, Craig decided to leave the room to go and smoke. He was tispy, Chris saw that much. He had to speak to him, so decided to follow.  
The room next door was a quieter area where families often sat.   
“Craig wait.” Chris called to him as he got to the door,   
“What do you want?” Craig sighed and turned around, seeming annoyed,  
“Have I done something wrong?” he asked nervously, playing with his hands,   
“Why you saying that?”  
“Because you aren’t talking to me.”  
Craig sighed, “Chris, I don’t have to talk to you all the time you know.”  
“But some time might be nice…”   
Craig paused, obviously angry, he clenched a fist,  
“I do speak to you.”  
“When? When have you this week? Each time I’ve seen you, you’ve been talking to others and completely excluding me.”  
“I got to have a social life you know.”  
“I know but, I feel I don’t exist. You, you never seem to mention me anymore.”   
“For fuck sake Chris. I didn’t mention you in the documentary, is that what this is about?!”  
“Well its certainly contributed to how I feel. Or didn’t you think of that?”  
Craig growled, “I don’t have to mention you in everything I do. Can’t I just do what I want? You never mentioned me in your documentaries but I don’t complain.”  
“Because mine don’t involve people.”  
“And if I mentioned you in everything, people might say stuff. I don’t want people thinking I’m funny.”  
“Well, I’m sure Simon liked you mentioning him. Wont people get suspicious of that, eh? Call you funny because you seem to adore your corrie counterpart” Chris said sarcastically,   
Craig exploded and hit him, punched square in the face.   
“Just fuck off about Simon.”  
“Don’t you give a shit about me anymore, is that it?!” Chris said, holding the pain, trying not to cry,   
“No, I fucking don’t care about you, you gay little shit. You attention seeking fucker. He’s shit loads better than you ever were. Fucking die you shit!” Craig pushed Chris down, punching him in the stomach and kicking him when he got to the floor. He kicked him in the chest and stomach hard, almost as if he wanted to kill him.  Chris wanted to die, he didn’t care about him anymore, did anyone anymore? He hurt so much, both physically and mentally. Maybe he shouldn’t resist and just let Craig finish him. Just as he was about to give in, someone came into the room. The beating stopped as Craig ran outside, leaving Chris alone.  
 “Craig, what happened?” Robert called after Craig, glancing down at Chris in horror then quickly following Craig out the bar.  
Dan soon followed behind Robert, came over to Chris and knelt beside him,   
“What happened Chrissy?” he asked, touching his head. His nose was bleeding badly.  
Chris couldn’t answer, he cried so much, lying helpless on the floor. He didn’t know what to say and hurt so much. He clenched his body so tightly as it hurt all over. It hurt him more than normal.    
“Alright, let’s get you up.” Dan said, holding Chris’ arm and pulling him up. Chris managed to stand, feeling shaky, panicky and in pain. He held himself tightly around his torso, not being able to stand straight.  
Dan put Chris’ arm over his shoulder and walked out of the back door, the same way Craig had gone. As they walked out into the cold air, trying not to become spectacles of passers-by, Craig shouted obscenities as Robert tried to prevent him from running over and ‘finishing him off’. Chris shivered as he became hurt by the cold and Craig.

“Alright, what happened?” Dan said, getting Chris into his car.  
“Craig…he…he attacked me.” Chris sniffled, nose bleeding. He didn’t care about himself anymore.  
“Why?” Dan said, belting up,  
“I…because…I was jealous of him.” Chris said, sniffling and putting on his seatbelt carefully.   
After his seat belt clicked, he returned to holding his stomach. It hurt more than earlier, making him wince.   
“Oh right. Well, I will get you home as soon as I can.”  
Chris shivered with pain, “well, Aleks was wrong.”  
“We both were wrong. Something is bugging him about you.”   
“Yeah..”  
Dan realised that something else was bugging him, “What else he do?”   
“He, he called me gay.”   
“You aren’t though.”  
“No, but…”  
Dan realised, “He’s referring to that house, isn’t he? Did something happen in that house that was a little…”  
Chris moaned in reply, the pain spiking more. He felt sick and hurt. He didn’t want to be alive. He didn’t want to see his wife, especially as she knew about what happened there.   
“Look, as soon as I get you back I will ring Robert. Check he’s alright.”  
“kay…”

****

As Dan parked up outside, he looked at Chris to see how he was doing. He'd been in the same position throughout the drive and was worried he wouldn’t be able to get out. As he opened the door, he heard a dog barking; it was Merlin. He must have heard them parking. As he got Chris out of the car and walked up the drive, he seemed to be tired and upset. To be fair, who could blame him. He shouldn’t have even considered going to these events until he was better, but he loved the fans. Being beaten up by someone who he’d always considered a best friend on top of that? Danny shuddered to think what that would do to Chris.  
"She is in right?" he asked Chris, making sure he was okay, as well as ensuring Aleks was there.   
Chris nodded, trying not to cry with pain or sadness.  
As they got to the door, they heard Merlin, still barking and scratching against the door. Aleks opened it, putting Merlin behind her as she let them in. She noticed Chris' condition as soon as they walked in.   
"What the hell happened?" she asked, following them into the living room, locking the door.   
Dan helped Chris onto the sofa and then stood by Aleks,  
"Craig happened." he said, watching Chris managing to sit himself up a little. He groaned quieter, Merlin jumping around him for attention.   
Chris put a hand out to stroke him and reassure him, but soon put it back onto the areas of pain.   
Aleks sat beside Chris, examining his body language. She could tell he was hurting too much to speak, so body language was the next best thing.   
"What did he do?" She asked, Danny walking into the room to distract Merlin a little. Merlin began to growl, somehow knowing something was going on.  
"Well, I think he must have punched him. His nose has been bleeding bad." Dan said, trying to avoid Merlin from biting him. He hoped he wasn’t deliberately trying to attack him.   
Aleks sighed as she knew this might have happened.   
"Well, I best get you painkillers." she said, walking into the kitchen.   
As she got them from the cupboard (higher dosage than usually prescribed), she realised that the areas he was paying attention to were those which he had operations on recently (one wasn’t so recent, but often hurt him).   
Aleks walked back into the living room and gave Chris the medication. He had managed to remove his jacket. Merlin was still around and seemed to be aware of something; becoming protective over him. He sat in front of him and placed his head-on Chris’s leg.  
"That a little better?" She asked him,  
Chris nodded, although it didn’t feel much different.   
She walked back over to Danny who was still scared of Merlin. He was staring at him.   
“Where the kids?” Dan asked,   
“Round a friend’s house. Good job really.” She sighed, knowing somehow that this would happen.  
Dan and Aleks both watched Chris, checking he was okay. They didn’t want to interfere much as they weren’t sure what to do. After a few minutes (the pain killers taking affect) Aleks decided that maybe she should check the damage which Chris received, in case Craig had broken anything.   
Aleks moved Merlin and knelt in front of Chris, trying to make eye contact with him.   
He was still hurting and his TD was getting worse.  
"Chrissy, I want to see what Craig's done to you. Can I see?" She asked.  
He nodded, trying to control his TD. The drugs always seemed to make control harder. Whilst Chris focused on controlling contractions, Aleks lifted his shirt. Both areas with scaring had been bruised badly. Both became worrying as both were in areas of danger.   
" I think we need to call someone. This looks bad." She said, replacing his shirt. She then realised that his most recent operation had in fact began to weep.   
"Is it bad?" Chris asked, not being able to see what had happened to him.  
"Well it's worrying me. I want to get you checked over."  
Chris sighed. Craig had hurt him too much. He didn't like him anymore; he knew that much. Dan was watching him, so he couldn't try and scratch himself. He needed more pain. He wanted to see blood.   
"Should I change so they can get to me easier?" Chris asked, hoping this would work.  
"Sure." Aleks said and helped him up. Chris walked to the stairs, glancing at Dan before going into his room.  
As Chris walked upstairs, Merlin followed. He didn’t want him to follow, but had no choice. Getting into his room, he craved something sharp. He didn't want to do it and knew he would probably disappoint Aleks and Dan, but he needed it. The pain he was feeling now reminded him of Craig.  
Craig didn't love him anymore and wanted him to die. That was a big enough trigger for him. He'd known he'd suffered depression and self-harm in the past, so these comments were made to hurt. He wanted new pain, fresh pain to take the place of the pain Craig had inflicted on him. Pain that would calm him, if even for a moment. He took off his shirt and examined his torso. Both areas were bruised and red. He shook with pain and decided to take more painkillers. He was overdosing, but right now, he didn't care. He searched in his draw for something sharp. He knew where one thing was for certain; his pen knife. it was the only thing he used and didn't cause him to bleed much. Merlin watched on, whimpering a little as Chris unsheathed it. He looked at his arm and held his blade above it, thinking of all the hate he had received from Craig this past week. Merlin barked a little, but it didn’t stop him; he closed his eyes and cut. After, he examined the wound. It wasn't deep but stung. He felt dizzy as he usually did and changed shirt. It was short sleeved. He wanted Dan and Aleks to see what he'd done. He had been bad, he knew that. Craig had made him resort to it. Merlin continued to bark and jumped up. Chris knew Merlin knew what happened; he was a very smart dog. Chris stroked him and held him close. Merlin began crying, Chris also. He felt so guilty. If Merlin could’ve talked, he would have asked why.  
As Chris walked down the stairs, Merlin went ahead. He began to jump up at Aleks; something which he very rarely did. Chris saw Dan at the bottom, looking somewhat serious. He felt strange, but he knew it was the extra medication he took upstairs. Dan had noticed a change. He examined him for differences, identifying the cut straight away.  
"What did you do?" He asked firmly  
"You know." Chris said, trying to stay conscious. He knew Dan had seen it. Merlin barked loudly, almost trying to tell them.   
"You..." Dan said, looking at this cut on his arm. He became very worried.  
Aleks walked over, noticing the same. She made merlin sit as she walked towards Chris.   
"Anything else?" Dan asked, putting an arm around him to help him stand up.   
"I erm, took more." Chris said, closing his eyes in shame. He didn’t deserve these people looking after him.  
"Oh god." Aleks said, "well we have to take you to A&E now. You've OD'd , who knows how that will affect you."  
"I...I’m sorry." Chris said, crying. He didn't want to but he hurt too much. He felt so guilty. He deserved what happen.   
"Its fine." Aleks said, taking Dan's place and hugging him "Dan will take you so I can be here for Merlin."  
"Okay." Chris said, trying not to cry.  
“You sure that’s alright?” Dan asked,  
“Yes. Merlin will only get worried about us.” Aleks said, taking Merlin into the kitchen.


	9. Chapter 9

Chris woke up next morning on his bed. He didn’t remember much from last night apart from the fight with craig. He didn’t remember coming home at all. As he focused on his clock infront of him, he realised someone was in the room with him, stroking his back.  
He turned to find Aleks there, admiring him.   
“How you feeling?” she asked,  
“I, I don’t know.” Chris said, feeling numb and light headed,  
“Well, they let you home at least.” She said, stroking his back still,  
“Who?”  
“The hospital. You didn’t have too much damage so they just bandaged you and sent you back. I got the car from the pub and they told me what happened.”  
Chris groaned, now he remembered what had happened.  He turned onto his back and looked at the celing.   
Aleks moved and tried to understand how he must feel,  
“You know, Craig will apologise eventually. If he doesn’t, I will get Jack to make him.”  
“No..>”  
“Yes. What he’s done isnt on. If he doesn’t apologise by today im telling Jack to make him.”  
Chris sighed, “oh Al.”  
“Chrissy, you harmed last night. This is obviously killing you.”  
Chris held where he’d cut. It had been treated with something.  
“The doctors must have seen it.” Aleks said, “Look, your relapse now doesn’t count okay? You’re still clean in my eyes.”  
“But, I cut. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances were.”  
“They are exempt.” She said, holding his hands. Chris smiled, feeling loved. His wounds felt numb, but she helped him feel.  She smiled back, knowing that he’d sometimes not feel anything. She hoped she could cure him, but then, after realising she couldn’t, decided that the best thing she could do was to make him feel better; make him feel happy; make him feel loved.  
“I best go feel Merl.” She said, getting up.  
“Oh. Cant Alf do it?”  
“Alf has been taken out with Lou by Dan out for a while.”  
“Why?”  
“I wasn’t sure how you were going to be. I didn’t want them seeing you if you’d got worse.” She sighed,  
“Alright.”  
“Dan will ring when he’s coming back.” She said,  
“Okay.” Chris said, getting himself up. He held his side, still feeling numb.  
Aleks watched him stand and smiled.   
“its good seeing you straight again. I will make you breakfast.” She smiled, leaving the room. As Chris stood there, he looked at his arm and the draw where his knife was. His wound hurt when he looked at the draw. Distracting himself, he then decided to go downstairs; aleks and food were waiting.   
As he walked down the stairs, he remembered last night. He shuddered as he remembered. He got to the bottom of the stairs and found Merlin. He was lying in his basket, but as soon as he saw chris he ran upto him.  Chris smiled and fussed him, knowing he knew what happened last night.  
Aleks came in, hearing Merlin’s happy barks.  
“He was worried so much about you so much last night. He must have known something was wrong.”  
“Yes I guess so.” He smiled.  


After Chris had ate breakfast, Aleks got a phone call. She answered and walked into the living room. Merlin hadn’t left Chris since he sat down, continuing to look at him. Chris petted him, knowing how he felt.  
“You still feeling protective eh?” he said, patting his head.   
Merlin barked happily, almost smiling and licking Chris’ hand.  
Then, Aleks came back into the kitchen. She seemed slightly worried.  
“Craig’s apparently coming over.” Aleks said, “Apparently hes coming to apologise.”  
“Who said?”  
“Jack. She told him about last night and he seems to want to come over.”  
Chris became worried, what if he attacked him again? Merlin sat infront of Chris.  
“Well what should I do?”  
“Stay here. You two can go out if you want and talk. I best keep Merl in here. He might attack craig.”  
“True.” Chris said, recognising how he was. He was being territorial, he didn’t want anyone to touch Chris. Aleks was worried about getting attacked herself.  
The door went; Merl raced over and barked at the door.  Aleks followed Merlin to the door, hoping it wasn’t Craig. Chris closed his eyes and hoped It wasn’t craig.   
“Hello Al. Brought your kids back.” He hear Dan say, Alfie and Louis walking in talking to one another quietly.   
Aleks came back into the kitchen with Dan and closed the door behind them.  
“Craig’s apparently coming over.” She said,  
“Why?”   
“To apologise for yesterday.”  
“You want me to be here?”  
Chris thought a moment, “With the kids yes.”  
Aleks and Dan seemed puzzled,  
“What?”  
“I want you two to stay in there. I think talking to him alone would be the best thing right now.”  
“Alright Chrissy.” Aleks said, hugging him.   
  
The back door knocked hard; Craig had come the back way for some reason.  
Aleks and Dan left the room, the boys asking what was going on and Merlin barking loudly.   
Chris opened the door, holding his breath.  
Craig walked in, no expression on his face and sat at the table.  
Chris sat too after locking the door. The degree of awkwardness was very high.  
Then, Craig spoke, “I’ve come to say I’m sorry.”  
“For what?” Chris asked, knowing why,  
“For, for being a dick and for fighting you last night. Jack told me your relapsed last night.”  
“Erm, well, yes” Chris said, looking at his arm.   
“I…I never meant for that to happen.” Craig sighed, “I was just so scared.”  
“Scared?”  
“Yes. Of people finding out about…that…”  
Chris knew what Craig meant, “How would they find out?”  
“Fans already suspect Chris, they’d figure it out if I mentioned you. That’s why I haven’t called or anything, I, I didn’t want anyone to even get a hint.”  
Chris sighed deeply, knowing what happened there was his fault, “You, erm, don’t regret what happened there, do you?” Chris blushed,  
Craig held Chris’s hand, “No, I don’t.”  
Chris smiled, he cared, he loved him. He was just, protecting him.  
“How are you now?” Craig asked,  
“Better.”  
“I didn’t hurt you much?”  
“Well,” Chris stood up, showing Craig what he’d done. The areas where Craig had hit (two scarred areas) were bandaged up.  
“Oh man. I…Im sorry. I…I was drunk n…”  
“Its fine.” Chris said, replacing his shirt and sat down.  
“I promise it won’t happen again.”  
“…Alright.” Chris replied, knowing he could easily do it again.   
Craig got up, “You erm, want to tell Al we’ve forgiven each other?”  
“Yeah.” Chris smiled, sending Craig into the front room first.  
He realised how much he relied on the group now. If Dan hadn’t been there for him, or Robert hadn’t come in, then Craig might have killed him. Whilst he’d forgiven Craig for what he did, the spiteful comments continued to go around his head. He sighed and walked into the living room, hoping things from now on, would be easier for him.


End file.
